What do I actually like?

I need to like myself before I can understand how to like someone else.

I have noticed how easygoing I am about many things. I don’t ask much, compete much, or insist on having things my way. But does that “I don’t care” attitude also make me cold?

I nod and smile at people, hold no grudges, and keep things friendly. Yet I may hardly care about what is happening in their lives. Even with close friends, I tend to focus on solving problems. I often overlook what they are feeling; give me a specific problem, though, and I am quick to respond and help.

Looking for a passion

I have been trying to identify my interests for at least five years. I keep looking for something I truly love, but most things only make me curious enough to try them briefly. They don’t give me the urge to devote myself to them.

Someone once asked what I could never give up in life. I thought for a while. My answer was that there was no particular thing, only certain people.

Then they asked whether fame or money mattered more to me. My immediate response was neither. Lately, though, I have begun to see how many things money can make possible. I like the growth and confidence some of those experiences bring. So my view is changing. At least with money, I no longer want only the bare minimum.

The things that make me more confident

I still don’t have a neat answer to what I like. But I have noticed that I enjoy things that build my confidence: working out, playing guitar, reading, thinking.

When I look in the mirror and see that I am no longer quite so thin, when my arm feels like more than a hard bone under my hand, I’m happy.

When I stumble less on the guitar, sing a little less out of tune, or even manage to play and sing in the same key, I’m pleased.

When I swim or run and feel stronger, or recognize something from real life in a book and find an idea that makes me think, I feel that my life is gaining depth. I’m getting stronger. I’m becoming someone I am more satisfied with. That makes me happy.

So if you ask me again what I like, that is my answer for now. I like the things that make me more confident.