2023: a little more room to live

Before everything changed

Looking back at my final year of high school, I still feel a lot. Day after day of the same routine could be dull and exhausting. I got through it because of the people around me. Because of them, I eventually walked through the university gates.

Reading a New Year editorial brought me straight back to our Chinese class. It felt as though we had only just been reading the previous year’s edition, feeling that surge of excitement, those words giving us a little warmth and courage in the cold. And, of course, memorizing the good phrases for our own essays.

So, thank you. To the teachers, classmates, and everyone I met in high school. You are part of the reason I am sitting here now.

June 7–9 · The exams

People call the gaokao, China’s college entrance examination, a major milestone. Having gone through it myself this year, I think it went reasonably well.

There were COVID cases around, and heavy rain too. Yet when I held my pen, I felt unusually calm. I came out of the exams smiling, especially after maths.

July · Far away, then home

My mother took me to Inner Mongolia. I couldn’t remember whether the last time she had taken me on a trip was a few years ago or more than a decade ago.

It was the farthest I had ever traveled. We saw the national border several times, and I found myself imagining crossing into Russia just for breakfast. The grasslands went on and on. Looking at all that space, I wanted to feel something equally open inside myself.

A couple of days after returning, I went back to Shantou. That is always the first part of a holiday I settle on. For more than ten years, I have wanted to go back as soon as a break begins. Often, I start wanting to go back long before it does.

My relatives are there. The food is there. My childhood is there. Old houses can become new buildings and muddy patches can be paved over, but my affection for that village doesn’t disappear with them.

August · Away with classmates

Not long after coming back from Shantou, I left again, this time for Chengdu and Chongqing with classmates. I think it was my first long trip without an adult accompanying us.

Sure enough, things went wrong. I had barely planned anything, and my classmates’ plans couldn’t keep up with the changes we made. Apart from the final journey to the airport, we seemed to be rushing every time we went anywhere: rushing for the metro, rushing for a train. We had either overslept or struggled to get out of bed.

But I won’t forget the food. Chengdu’s dandan noodles, Chongqing’s little bowls of spicy noodles. So good. We saw giant pandas, rode the Yangtze River Cableway, and experienced what an enormous city full of people felt like.

And I celebrated my birthday at the hotel, with friends there in person and wishes arriving from farther away. That stayed with me too.

September 1 · University, at last

I really had arrived. From a child, to a teenager, to this new stage of being an adult.

Everything felt bigger, both the physical space and the room I had to make my own choices. Beyond my degree, there were so many things I could do. Read the books I wanted. Try different sports. Play games with my roommates every evening, or quietly watch a series on my own.

Honestly, it felt great.

Nobody was going to manage all of it for me anymore. At least, nobody could manage it in the same way. My teacher had been right: once you get to university, it really is up to you.

October · One more trip

The National Day trip to Guilin and Yangshuo came together at short notice. We hadn’t got high-speed train tickets, so we went by car. There was a lot of traffic.

Still, I had never been to Guangxi. After hearing about Guilin’s scenery for so many years, I wanted to see it. Driving through the city, there were mountains in every direction. They didn’t form one continuous range. Each stood separately, as if thousands of peaks were guarding the city.

We had Guilin rice noodles, luosifen, and beer fish. The food had its own character, just as the landscape did. Then the journey home took twelve hours. That put me off traveling again for the next three months.

December 29 · Thank you

This year wasn’t easy. It was also full and happy. I made it through my final year of high school, arrived at a university I’m happy with, and went to a lot of places.

What I most want to say is still thank you. To everyone I encountered in 2023, whether we only briefly crossed paths or are still together. And to you, for reading this far.

Happy New Year.