Love, and still being myself

I think I have finally recognized what matters most to me, what I keep reaching for. The thing that can take up ninety percent of my time and energy, occupy my thoughts, and change my mood so easily is love.

So much for being the steady one

I used to think I barely registered emotions, that I was rational through and through. Friends called me steady. Lately, I have been trying to understand why.

For one thing, perhaps I simply hadn’t encountered something I truly cared about. It was easy to stay relaxed about things when their outcomes didn’t matter that much to me.

For another, I tend to be optimistic about the bigger picture while imagining the worst in the details. If I consider the worst possible outcome and realize I can live with it, I am less likely to stay anxious. Even disappointment finds me somewhat prepared.

Perhaps, in twenty years, I just hadn’t met my particular difficulty yet. When it arrived, I discovered that I was ordinary after all. All those emotions came rushing in, including negative thoughts I couldn’t simply suppress.

I initially thought giving love such a large share of my life was a problem. Honestly, I’m less certain now. Maybe I can’t solve it yet and am finding a way to justify it so I can feel better. Or perhaps love really is worth it, provided it is genuine love. Either way, I want to use this moment to work out what I think.

What I want to be able to offer

My most straightforward thought is this: we should be able to show each other who we really are, without deliberately pretending or forcing ourselves to change. We should be willing to accept that person and feel comfortable together.

I think both attraction and a sense of responsibility are essential. I am still willing to put my partner first, to put her happiness ahead of mine, and to drop everything and go to her when she needs me.

But I also realize that this isn’t something to offer as a bargaining chip when we first meet. It costs something. I would choose to give that much because I believe she is worth it.

There is still an “I” and a “you”

Keeping a sense of myself and depending on each other both matter. When you like someone, wanting to spend all day with her and share everything is perfectly natural. But we should have space of our own too. Alongside “us,” there is still an “I” and a “you.”

When she isn’t beside me, I should still take care of myself and live properly, rather than feel unable to live without her. I also want to keep looking for another source of purpose and support beyond romantic love. Perhaps work, perhaps family.

That is enough for tonight. I’m sleepy.

I know she is making her way toward me. I will find the courage to keep moving forward.